• I attended a funeral the other day, which was part one of two separate funeral services. I’d never heard of it before but evidently the family was fighting and each of the two siblings hosted his own funeral ceremony. I thought to myself, how sad it is that they can’t even get together to mourn their loss. It turns out that there was some prior conflict between them and a discrepancy over the estate caused even more disconnect.

    They were a close and warm family but in the midst of dividing personal items from the estate all of the warmth flew out the window

    Sitting at that funeral reminded me of the conflicts that arose in my family after my grandparents’ deaths 10 years ago.   Dealing with the loss was quickly overshadowed by what ensued immediately after the funeral. My grandparents passed away within 10 months of each other after having been married for over 50 years. They had five children, of which my mother was the eldest. She was asked by her siblings to be the executor of the estate though no will was ever drafted.  They were a close and warm family but in the midst of dividing personal items from the estate all of the warmth flew out the window.  My grandparents’ youngest daughter was a single mom who lived near them and cared for them during their last few years.  They gave her a condominium to live in while they were still alive. After their death her siblings did not think that she was entitled to any portion of the remaining estate. The combination of grief and greed were toxic.  And because there was no will, the remaining estate went through probate (the courts), which turned out to be an absolute nightmare! Some of the siblings still don’t speak to each other ten years after the debacle.  Watching that unfold made me vow not to put my own family through the same experience.

    I understand that discussing your will, and therefore death, can be depressing, uncomfortable and difficult, which is why so many people avoid these conversations.  But because death is inevitable and often unpredictable the time to have that discussion is now! If you make your wishes clear to all family members (those who are old enough) involved, and write up a formal document, then there is less chance for contention.  Do not make one of your children your confidante and put him/her in the position of becoming the message bearer after you are gone.  We all know what happens to the person delivering the message if the message isn’t well received.

    Talking about it simply means that you care enough about yourself and others to let them know where you stand

    The solution is pretty simple and straightforward. First of all, set up an appointment with an attorney or estate planner to draft your will, living trust, or whatever works best for you financially. Make sure you’re informed about the various options that you have and that you keep your wishes up to date.  After you have made your decisions and put them down in writing, set up a time to discuss your choices with your family- your children, parents and anyone else involved. If you anticipate problems you may need to sit down with each person individually.  Not on the fly- but a real discussion so that if there are any concerns you can address them and not leave them to build and escalate.  Don’t be afraid that bringing up the topic implies waiting for or wanting to die. Talking about it simply means that you care enough about yourself and others to let them know where you stand. Talking about how you will distribute material goods and how specific to get is your choice. However, you do want to be sure to include the following; that a will or living trust has been drafted and where to locate it; funeral arrangements you have made and/or your preferences; any medical decisions or directives; dependent care (who takes care of who); and other specific wishes.  I’m sure everyone thinks that money and possessions would never divide their families but it is better to be proactive.  This allows your family to grieve without conflict.  Give your family a better shot at growing closer due to their loss (for dealing with loss see our Playdate article “Children and Grief”), rather than be divided over who gets what. Don’t put it off for another day, week, or month.  Look up wills and trusts online or call your attorney or estate planner to start this ball rolling today.  Once it is done you will feel a sense of accomplishment and relief.  And you can move on to the next thing on your never-ending to-do list.