• I had an epiphany the other day. One of my children was pestering me intentionally (or so it seemed) trying to irritate me and push my buttons. And no one pushes my buttons as efficiently as my children or my parents! I could feel my frustration and blood pressure rising. And when I finally spoke I used words (to say it mildly) that I would not have ideally used, and a tone that dripped with anger and aggravation, maybe a tiny sprinkling of sarcasm. It could have been worse, of course, but it certainly could have been better.

    When I went to bed that night and my mind sifted and sorted through the events of the day, I realized that I should have taken more care with my earlier reaction. Because that is what it was! A reaction! Not a planned moment. Which is not the way I would ideally like to parent. I do not want to simply react and respond through my children’s childhoods.

    I don’t think my resolution to keep quiet when my blood is beginning to boil is a call for me to give in or walk away. That’s just not me.

    Then a light bulb went on for me. This is what I realized—I should never speak to my children when I am feeling angry, which led to a broader realization– I should never speak to anyone when I am angry.

    I know- it’s like stating the obvious. But sometimes you feel a truth deep in your gut and it changes how you see things. Forget counting to ten (described in the “Anger Management” article). It takes me a whole lot longer to truly feel calm inside. Anger changes my expression, my tone, my listening skills – everything. But if I simply close my mouth until I am over the wave of true frustration and anger I can plan my response and use words and a tone that I don’t later regret. What a revelation.

    Now I am not for a moment saying that I will not stand up for myself or speak up if I see something that I don’t like or agree with, because I always will. I don’t think my resolution to keep quiet when my blood is beginning to boil is a call for me to give in or walk away. That’s just not me. So it won’t make me passive or even neutral, but I hope that it will allow me to go to bed, scroll through my day, and on most nights not regret my own words or actions. It’s a start!